If you read this and you hear yourself echoed, know I feel your love and I understand why you try to make things feel better. I get it, I truly do.
But please, let me lament. Let me be sad and angry at things. Let me not be okay with the fact that things go wrong. Let me want to do better and struggle with the reality that I cannot. Let me feel frustration when things outside of my control derail my effort.
Let me be not okay.
I appreciate you wanting me to have a healthier relationship with my own inherent inadequacy. I appreciate the love you show me when I get really frustrated and want to quit. I appreciate you wanting me to see the good in my work. I appreciate you wanting me to know God loves me and my offerings.
I really do appreciate it.
But I need to mourn and lament. Every week something new goes wrong. Every week something inside my control and something outside my control fails. Every week I have to fix something in service that threatens to derail the service.
Every week something negates – at least in part – my hours of work and labor.
I do not need public reminders of my status of beloved amidst of my lament. I do not need suggestions on how to do my ministry differently amidst my lament. I do not need to hear how you have an easier method and explain why I made the conscious decision to not do things that way. I do not need to feel like I need to apologize for my frustration amidst my lament.
I need to lament and mourn. Please, just let me be not okay with this and let me be frustration when things that should work do not.